


The Kuroba Eiichi Files

by joisbishmyoga



Category: Meitantei Conan | Detective Conan | Case Closed
Genre: Accidental Baby Acquisition, Domestic Fluff, Fatherhood, Fluff and Crack, Gen, M/M, worst karma ever
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-05-15
Updated: 2013-05-15
Packaged: 2017-12-12 00:09:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 19
Words: 7,822
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/804845
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/joisbishmyoga/pseuds/joisbishmyoga
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kuroba Kaito and Edogawa Conan are slowly realizing their karma is inheritable.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Trickery

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Asuka Kureru (Askerian)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Askerian/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Certain Values of Immortality](https://archiveofourown.org/works/804825) by [Asuka Kureru (Askerian)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Askerian/pseuds/Asuka%20Kureru). 



"No, of course you don't have to go to sleep," Conan sighed, as he buttoned Eiichi's pajamas. The toddler grinned up at him, and Conan added, "But we're just going to sit in here for a bit." In the nice, dim room and the nice, padded rocking chair, that certainly wasn't ever meant to trick tired little boys into going to sleep. "You want hugs?"

Eiichi all but tumbled into Conan's arms. "'tory."

"Good idea." Conan settled into the rocking chair, tucking Eiichi in the crook of his arm, messy-haired little head resting heavily on his shoulder. There was a small stack of books piled on the table beside him, battered covers gleaming in the warm light of the stars-and-clouds lamp. "Let's see, what do we have? There's Sherlock Holmes..."

Eiichi blew a raspberry into his shoulder.

A low chuckle came from the doorway. "There's Arsene Lupin," Kaito offered.

"Shut it, you." _Children_ , Conan thought. _No taste at all._

"Dorshi," Eiichi said firmly.

Kaito's smile broadened. "Ah, The Wizard of Oz," he murmured. "An excellent choice, young sir."

Conan pulled out the favored book, over a hundred pages long, and rolled his eyes. "One chapter, all right?"

"No." Eiichi turned a pouty look on him, one that was ruined by the mischievious glint in his eyes. "Dorshi."

The little monster. Try to get out of bedtime, would he? Conan opened his mouth, ready to stand firmly on his offer of one chapter (or else!), when a deck of cards fanned over his field of vision.

"Pick a card, any card," Kaito said. He moved the cards closer to Eiichi, temptingly. "Whatever the number is, that's how many chapters we'll read tonight, okay?"

Eiichi eyed the deck, but it turned out to be too much for a two-year-old to resist. He nodded sharply, just once, and reached out with wet little fingers.

Conan glanced just as sharply at Kaito. _If he picks anything higher than five, you're reading the rest,_ he tried to convey.

_Please, I'm a professional_ , Kaito's glance back seemed to say. 

Sure enough, the card Eiichi snatched out turned out to be a two.

"Ooh, that's a good card," Kaito said, the rest of the deck vanishing as he settled onto the floor next to them. "Two, just like you."

... all right. Just this once, Conan could compromise. Two chapters wasn't that much more than one, anyway. He opened the book and began, " _Dorothy lived in the midst of the great Kansas prairies, with Uncle Henry, who was a farmer, and Aunt Em, who was the farmer's wife_..."


	2. Ordinary Tuesday

For most of the world, Tuesdays were fairly unremarkable. It was the night of nuked leftovers and mediocre television, of putting off projects and not studying for the inevitable Friday tests.

In the Kuroba household, it was the night Kaito usually worked late, for exactly that reason. "No one's vigilant on a _Tuesday_ ," he'd said more than once, sometimes scoffing, sometimes laughing. "That's what makes it perfect for test runs."

So every Tuesday, instead of heading out to the arcade or shopping with the other Shounen Tantei, or going home to do the homework that finally -- finally -- was more advanced than anything he'd gotten to study as Kudo Shin'ichi, Conan hopped on a train to Ekoda.

The exclusive kindergarten there, the same one that Kaito had gone to over twenty years ago, was about the only place that could handle another generation of Kurobas. Or so Kaito had claimed. It certainly had nothing to do with the three-meter-high climbing wall room, or the associated gymnastics school next door.

It really explained so much about Kaito, Conan thought ruefully as he entered the brightly-painted lobby and pressed the buzzer.

"KOUCHAN!" Eiichi yelled, leaping from the top of a toddler-sized plastic slide.

"Observant as ever," Conan told him, smiling. Most kids would be too distracted playing to notice their parent at the door. He showed his ID to the afternoon chaperone, Eiichi bouncing from foot to foot as he waited for the inner door to open, and then braced himself when the pint-sized rocket came crashing into his legs for a hug. "Did you have a good day?"

"Yeah! We learned about jobs and Kiku-chan's daddy drives a train and it goes REALLY REALLY FAST like maybe fast enough it could FLY and Naoki-chan's daddy fights in court like all POW WHAM and I got to tell them that Touchan's a scurity consolt-ant and he makes it so that people can't steal stuff 'coz it's no fair if he can't steal stuff too and Kouchan's a detective and catches bad guys and that's why Touchan doesn't get to steal stuff 'coz then you'd hafta catch him and you'd fight and then Sensei gave me a note to give you."

"Breathe, Eiichi," Conan murmured on automatic. Then the actual words sank in, and he stared for a long moment at his grinning son. "... I think we'll save the note for Touchan," he said weakly. "Go get your hat, okay?"

"Kay!" And with that, Eiichi raced off.

Later that night, when Kaito came home, he accepted the note with hands still shaking from taser shots. "Baby's First Parent-Teacher Conference!" he crowed. Clearly, he was still high on adrenaline from his evening's work. "This is going in the scrapbook."

Conan glared at the lunatic flopped over on the couch and stifling laughter in the cushions. "... On second thought, maybe I should handle this instead."

Kaito's chuckles slowly died off. Bright, mirthful eyes shone over a pillow. "If you insist."

"And that," Conan said in the Kudo mansion the next afternoon, as Ai worked on the knots, "is why I woke up tied to the bed and missed school today."


	3. Argument: Shichi-go-san

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shichi-go-san (lit. seven-five-three) is a holiday on Nov. 15th, when boys aged five and three, and girls aged seven and three, are dressed up in kimono and taken to the local shrine for blessings and treats.

Kaito needed half his skills in thieving just to get into the rental shop. The other half were spent ensuring that his squirming cargo came along unscathed, and unescaped for that matter. Sometimes he almost wished Eiichi had inherited more of Conan's tendencies than his own.

Wait, no he didn't. That way lay bodies falling from the sky.

Kaito hitched Eiichi further up on his hip, dodged a fearless matron with a consummate display of grace and skill (if he did say so himself) which was completely lost on his audience (the philistines). (Except Eiichi. No son of Kaitou Kid's could ever be a philistine, other parent notwithstanding. The child's unimpressed look was naturally the stare of a born actor.)

"All right," Kaito said cheerfully, striding to the display rack as the boy wriggled in his arms and completely failed to escape. Again. "Kimono for Ei-chan!"

"I want dat one," Eiichi promptly said, pointing to a vibrant one right in front of them.

_Ohhhhh dear._ It was a lovely piece, perfectly sized for a three-year-old, in a striking shade of blue that would make Eiichi's eyes -- the exact deepwater-blue of Kaito's -- all but glow like sapphires on display. Clearly Eiichi had perfect aesthetic taste already. Except for one problem. "That's for a little girl, Ei-chan."

"No." Instant pout #5, you-are-telling-fibs-again, inherited straight from Conan's face. "It's _blue._ "

Conan's son apparently had much to learn about irrefutable arguments, though his evidence-gathering was in the right place. "It's still for a little girl," Kaito pointed out, lifting one long, flowing silk sleeve out to show the dimensions. "See how long the sleeves are?"

Eiichi ignored that. "I _want_ it."

Clearly. "We'll find you a nice boys' kimono, okay?" _So that Conan doesn't kill me._

Eiichi sucked in a deep breath, just enough warning for Kaito not to wince when the kid decided to go with volume over reason. "I WANT DAT ONE."

"But it's for a _girl._ "

"YOU WEAR GIRL CLOTHES ALL THE TIME."

The shop went utterly silent. Under the shocked stares of the crowd, Kaito muttered, "Not _that_ often." _Now_ Eiichi had an irrefutable argument. But Kaito had one better. He grinned sheepishly at the nearest staring clerk. "You wouldn't happen to have a kimono in this exact color for... well..." He tipped his head at his triumphant brat of a son.

"Ah..." The mask of customer service dropped over the clerk's face again, snapping her out of her stupor. "I believe so. Would you like me to...?"

"A little bait-and-switch seems to be in order, don't you think?" Kaito gave her his best smile.

The tiniest hint of relief ghosted under the mask. "Yes sir." She slipped through the slowly thawing crowd, bustled around the age-three rack with professional familiarity, then bowed and led him back to the register with an armful of blue silk draped over one arm.

She was nowhere near as skilled as Kaito about letting one tiny, beflowered kimono vanish into the shadowy depths under the counter, but then, who was? It fooled Eiichi's eye, and he wasn't quick enough to spot the different motif before the little outfit was wrapped up in protective tatoshi paper, which was all that mattered.

"Thank you," Kaito said, scooping up the fancy shopping bag in the same smooth move that stopped a bid for freedom from his passenger.

"Please come again," she replied politely, lying through her teeth.


	4. Posse: Wisdom

This was all Kouchan's fault.

Eiichi threw a rock at the greasy-looking man with the knife, then ducked back down behind the concrete partition next to his shivering classmate. The pigtailed little girl had both hands over her head, her eyes squeezed shut, and was curled up in a terrified little ball. She seemed to be murmuring something, but Eiichi couldn't quite make it out over the man's shouted threats.

"Hey, look, I'm sorry, okay?" Poor girl didn't deserve to get caught up in... whatever the heck Kouchan had done to tick this guy off. Probably put a relative or co-criminal in jail.

She shook her head, a couple of tears leaking from her eyes at the next shout (was that even _possible?_ Eiichi would have to ask Kouchan, it sounded really really painful) and Eiichi grabbed another missile to hold the guy off.

"My book!" she yelped.

"Sorry!" At least it was a hardcover chapter book. Eiichi managed to peg the guy's eye with a corner. They were going to run out of ammunition pretty quick here... what would Kouchan do? (He'd have knocked out the jerk on the first shot, arrgh.) What would _Touchan_ do, then? (Turn the knife into a bird, tie the guy up, and disappear, all in one snap of his fingers that mysteriously summoned the police like magic. Yeah, no. Eiichi was still working on the yen from the ear trick.)

Eiichi looked around the small space. There had to be a convenient branch lying around. A broken broom. Something. There always was in the movies!

An arm snaked out from over the barrier and scooped up the girl. "Gotcha!" the man sneered, knife under her wavering chin. Eiichi froze.

The girl didn't.

She screamed loud enough to break glass, flailing and kicking like she hadn't noticed the knife at her throat. The man staggered under her shifting weight, and one tiny, steel-soled heel slammed right between his legs. He went down with barely a whimper, out like a light. She landed on the dirty sidewalk in a crumpled little heap.

Eiichi stared. " _Awesome_ ," he whispered. Scarier than Ai-bachan, but _wow_. Now he wanted steel-soled shoes.

"Sorry, sorry, sorry..." she whimpered, her face all blotchy and wet.

"What are you sorry for?" Eiichi asked, pulling her up. She stumbled, heels striking sparks on the concrete. "You got him!"

She seemed to crumple in on herself, hardening. "'S my fault," she muttered. "My parents... they... they're police officers."

Eiichi blinked. "Your...? I thought it was _my_ fault. Kouchan's a detective." Huge, teary eyes met his, and he added, "This happens _all the time_." Which was a little bit of an exaggeration, but their parents were sort of in the same job and so it could be either of their faults. So there.

"It does to me too," she said wonderingly.

"There you go, then." Eiichi grinned, and jabbed a thumb at himself. "Kuroba Eiichi."

"Ta... Takagi Chise," she stammered in reply, and bowed. "Pleased to meet you."

"Same." Eiichi looked around again, then pulled off his belt. "C'mon, let's tie this guy up before he comes to."

"Okay!"


	5. Posse: Laughter

The soccer field was in use this afternoon, so Eiichi was running along the park's jogging path, practicing the footwork Kouchan had taught him over the weekend. It was pretty hard; the ball kept veering off into the bushes, and his elbows and knees were all scraped up. But he was almost _eight_ now, much too old to cry over something as little as a few bumps like that!

He tripped headlong over the ball again, smashing into someone sitting on a park bench. The man's suitcase skittered over the ground and popped open, a cushioned velvet box tumbling out.

Oh, not _again._

"Hey!" the man yelped, lunging at the box in a way that was much too suspicious for Eiichi to not grab it out from under his fingertips. "You clumsy little punk--"

Inside sat a massive emerald ring, round-cut and circled with dozens of bright white diamonds. Eiichi tilted his head, ignoring the man's stricken squeal of horror. He didn't really need to say it, but, "Didn't this go missing last weekend?"

He ducked into a roll immediately, the man's grasping hands just barely missing his shirt. Idiot. An assault charge -- especially on a kid -- on top of a theft would just get him into the _really bad_ sections of prison. Why did they always do this?

Eiichi kicked the soccer ball into the man's face, stumbled to his feet, and got all of two running steps away before a baseball bat came out of nowhere and spanked the guy straight into the dirt. A second whack knocked him out, and Eiichi stared at the round-faced little girl heaving great, panicky breaths with the bat still at the ready.

"You..." She glanced up at him, then back at the motionless thief, then slowly lowered the bat to the ground. Standing up straight, she was taller than Eiichi, short hair fluffed up where it wasn't plastered to her face with sweat. A quirked smile showed where one front tooth was missing, so she was probably a bit younger than Eiichi despite her height. "Thanks," Eiichi decided to say, instead of _what the heck was that_ and _who are you_ and _how come you even noticed I was in trouble_. He cast a glare at the man. "Stupid jewel thieves," he muttered.

She blinked, then her eyes landed on the emerald ring sparkling in his hand. Her head tilted. "Isn't that the 38.72-carat something-or-other emerald stolen from the Sumisonia Tour last Saturday?"

Eiichi stared. "... The Slate, yeah."

"Er." She looked away sheepishly. "I like numbers."

He hadn't meant to make her think she was weird. Although, "Most people remember the name better." At her defensive little shrug, he went on, "Mine's Kuroba Eiichi."

"Sawajiri Koemi." Between them, the thief groaned. "Uh, shouldn't we be calling the police?"

Well. Yeah. Now it was Eiichi's turn to look sheepish. "Kouchan's going to kill me," he muttered, pressing the little red button on his watch before he went for his phone and dialed. "Um, hi, Aoko-basan, it's Eiichi again..."


	6. Posse: Swiftness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Koban: neighborhood police box

"Tomizawa-chan?"

Eiichi's classmate, who'd always seemed so stuck-up with her black hime-cut hair and fancy clothes, flapped a hand at them from her perch halfway up a tree. "Shh! You'll scare them."

"Scare who?" Koemi asked.

Tomizawa-chan huffed and pulled herself up onto another branch, camera swaying from her wrist. "The _birds_ ," she answered, as if they were idiots. Eiichi stiffened, but Chise put a hand on his arm.

"Sorry, Saya-chan," she called up, more quietly. Tomizawa-chan grunted in acknowledgement, edging out towards a clump of dead leaves in the treetop. "Is this a new nest?"

" _Yes._ " One small hand clutched at a higher branch, leaves rustling as it swayed, and she drew herself up to peer in. "I don't even know what kind of bird..." She trailed off, frowning. Then, much to Eiichi's shock, she reached into the nest and pulled out a round blue egg.

"Saya-chan!" Chise yelped.

"How could you!" Koemi yelled. "Now the parents will _never_ come back--"

"It's a rock."

"--what?"

A rock...? It was unusually bright for an egg... Wait. Eiichi bolted for the tree and leapt, catching the lowest branch. A quick, easy climb brought him up behind Tomizawa-chan, who displayed the star sapphire in her hand, then pointed at three more in the nest.

"Crap." Eiichi leaned past her and grabbed them all, stuffing them into his pockets. "We have to get out of here _now._ "

Tomizawa-chan's dark eyes went wide, but she just nodded sharply and followed him down in a controlled and experienced tumble. Eiichi caught at her sleeve, jerking his head towards the playground. "Come on," he said, already running, Chise and Koemi darting ahead.

"What--?"

"No time!" The playground wasn't far from the tree at all, just far enough that they could race to it without looking like they'd been at the thieves' dropoff point on purpose. He slid under the slide in a spray of dirt, all three girls piling in after him.

Koemi popped up out of the tangle of limbs first. "So what do we do?" she asked eagerly.

"Split up," Eiichi answered, passing out sapphires. "Don't look at them. Just hide them in your pockets, quick. Where are the nearest koban?"

"Three blocks north and go left," Chise answered, pointing. "And five blocks southeast."

"And there's one seven blocks west," Koemi added.

"Okay. How fast can you run?" he asked Tomizawa-chan.

"I came in sixth last time in gym." Her eyes went sharp. "You and Chise-chan came in second and third. I don't know about Sawajiri-chan..."

"Third, but I can run longer than Chise-chan."

Eiichi nodded. "Koemi-chan will go to the koban west of here. Chise-chan, you go to the one southeast. Tomizawa-chan, you and I will go to the one three blocks north, since I'm fastest and we gotta tell the police as soon as possible, and it's safer if you go to the nearest one. Everybody act like you're going home and late for dinner, okay? Smiles and checking watches if you have them. And if you think someone's following you, _run_."

"Okay!" the girls chorused, before Koemi rolled out from under the slide.

"See you tomorrow!" she said loudly, waving before racing off vaguely westwards.

"Aaaah! I'm late!" Chise cried. "See you tomorrow too!" And she bolted in the opposite direction.

That left Eiichi and Tomizawa-chan under the slide. She smiled, a little sheepishly. "It was nice meeting you," she said. "See you in class?"

"Yeah," Eiichi answered. She waved and ran off, and Eiichi waited just long enough to see which path she took before he made a point of checking his watch, pressing the stupid red button, and bolting for the other way to the north side of the park.

Eiichi made it to the koban without any problem, turned in the sapphire to Genta-jisan, and was halfway through answering questions for the paperwork when Tomizawa-chan raced in. She was breathing hard, bent over to gasp for air, and had a deathgrip on her camera.

"Keiji... park... bad guys..." She held out the camera and sapphire with shaking hands. "At the tree..."

Which was when Eiichi realized that the path she'd taken to leave the park went past the thieves' tree. He nearly fell out of the chair. " _You got a picture of them?_ "

She nodded hard. "Looking in the nest... really mad..."

And then she'd run all the way here without getting caught. She _had_ to join them. "Can I call you Saya-chan?"

Saya's head snapped up, eyes wide, but the manic grin slowly stretching over her face was all the answer Eiichi needed.

-0-0-0

Genta-jisan, of course, checked in with the other koban -- Chise and Koemi had made it without a problem -- and then called their families. By the time Touchan and Kouchan arrived, both thieves were under arrest.

"Naw," Genta laughed into the phone, rolling his eyes at Eiichi over the antics of reporters. "Wasn't me at all, just a couple of kids playing around--" Kouchan stifled a snort, Touchan grinning like he'd just heard the world's greatest joke because Touchan was weird like that, and then the koban door opened again with a sharp bang.

" _Where is my niece?_ "

Saya leapt from her seat with a grateful little cheer. "Sonoko-bachan!"

"Saya-chan!" A woman with short tea-blonde hair scooped Saya up in a hug. "I was so worried! Getting called to the police station, it's like deja--" Her eyes landed on Kouchan. "-- deja vu. Wow. Blast from the past, chibi-chan."

"Don't call me that!" Kouchan snapped.

She grinned, leaning in like a schoolgirl. "I don't see why not, _chibi-chan_."

"Because you're blind, _obaasan_."

" _Obaasan?!_ I am a perfectly young twenty-nine---"

"Did you hear something?" Kouchan asked, eyes innocently skyward as he addressed no one in particular. "Sounds like a mosquito going buzz-buzz-buzz in a garden."

"You little--!"

Aagh. Grown-ups. They were _so_ immature.


	7. Babysitting

Ai levelly observed the small child staring silently up at her with curious blue eyes. A rather short four years old, the boy was relatively clean for his age, clutching a well-laundered plush bird and not drooling very much as he sucked on two tiny fingers. Perhaps it was Pavlovian of her, but that mild, wide-eyed innocence made her fingers itch for her old Shounen Tantei badge and the police on speed-dial.

Or maybe that was just from Conan's cyclonic, clearly-paternal frenzy rushing around them, as if diaper bags and evening schedules were the clues of crime scenes. "--really, _really_ sorry about this. I _will_ make this up to you and I'll make sure they know not to call me in on Tuesdays _ever again_ \--" He barely paused, a tiny jerk shuddering through his shoulders, and he spun to face her with eyes that were a very unnerving mix of pleading and authoritative. " _Please_ don't take samples or use him in an experiment!" 

Hm. She never had examined the effects of the apotoxin on the subject's offspring...

Oblivious to her line of thought, Conan bent and kissed the boy's forehead. "Bye Eiichi love you be good!" And then the door slammed shut. Silence fell once more.

The boy's chin began to wobble alarmingly.

Well. First things first. She had to deal with the child before she could move on to more enticing and scientific pursuits. Ai held out a hand. "My wallet, if you would be so kind."

Eiichi's face instantly went mulish and calculating, all thoughts of tears lost.

" _Now._ "

Another moment, and the boy sullenly, reluctantly dragged it out from where it had been squeezed between his chest and the plushie.

"Good." Ai took it and plopped it back into her purse on the hall table. "We might just both survive this evening after all."


	8. All Hallows

At the age of twelve, Conan had inherited Kogoro's standing invitation to the Halloween ghost ship-slash-casting call. 

At the age of fourteen, he managed to utilize the 'and guest' for the first time, lugging a gurgling, drooling miniature Kaitou Kid along with the (ex-) real thing. The costumes were a hit with both of them -- and everyone else. Within moments of their arrival, Eiichi managed to get a throng of cooing witches (and merthings, and Medusae, and... yeah), all hanging on his every incomprehensible word.

At the age of twenty, nothing had changed a bit, Conan thought, ushering four little monsters up the gangplank with his deranged puppetmaster in tow. They didn't get two steps on deck before the cries broke out and the hordes descended. Chise promptly hid behind Eiichi.

"Is that Ei-chan?"

"It is! Look how big he's getting!"

"And he brought _friends!_ " a vampiress cheered. 

Chise switched to Conan, burying herself in the folds of granite-painted fabric until all that could be seen were antennae and multi-faceted jet-black eyes.

"Ohhh, they're adorable! I love their makeup, Kuroba-san!"

"How on earth did you do this?" a serpent-snouted woman asked, tipping Saya's face up to examine the cracks in the 'porcelain'. "She honestly looks empty!"

Saya barely managed not to beam and risk the makeup. "Do I look scary?" she asked excitedly, bouncing on the tips of her little black zori. The false layers of her ghostly princess kimono rustled and bounced stiffly with her.

"Horrifying," the serpent lady assured her. "I won't sleep for a week unless I've locked up all my old dolls now!"

A wizened, snaggletoothed witch barely glanced up from Eiichi's talons. " _I_ won't be sleeping until I've smacked the ceiling corners with a broom!" she proclaimed cheerfully. "Not after this little monster's through with us! You're going to be tackling our heads all night, aren't you?"

Eiichi's grin was hard to see under all the scales and teeth, but Conan knew his brat of a son, not to mention his brat's other father. They'd probably not get Eiichi off the ceiling til midnight.

Sparks showered from Koemi's neck, getting a chorus of shrieks and a minor stampede away from the kids.

"Awesome!"

"Do it again, Koemi-chan!"

" _Not_ on deck," Kaito interrupted. "Go play inside. Get food." He smirked. "Scare the living daylights out of people."

"YAY!" They started to race off, then skidded to a halt in near-unison, looking back at Conan. 

Or, more specifically, at Conan's legs.

Conan tugged his robes free from Chise's grip. "Go on. Everyone was just competing to see Eiichi first; but they're done now. Eiichi can make proper introductions, okay?"

Chise bit her lip, then nodded and hurried to join her friends. The four vanished into the fog streaming from the bowels of the ship, and Conan sighed. It had been a long day already, keeping four hyperactive kids calm for hours while Kaito worked on their makeup. It promised to be an equally long evening.

Kaito slung a companionable arm over Conan's shoulders. "Any bets on how long it takes before jewelry starts popping up?"

"No."

"How about for the police to arrive?"

"Five minutes or less," Conan replied. Which was why it was going to be a long evening. "They're already waiting on the police boats offshore."

Silence. Then, "They are?"

Conan blinked. Oh. Yeah. He hadn't told Kaito yet. "Division One is." At Kaito's blank stare, he prompted, "The Takagis? Chise's parents?"

"... I meant Division Two," Kaito said slowly. "Aoko and Hakuba."

"Huh." Conan resettled the robes around his feet. "I know that costume parties seem like great cover for jewel smuggling," he said, "But after last year--"

"--you'd think they'd choose a different party." Kaito agreed.


	9. Police Band

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One starts to feel sorry for the Tokyo police after writing Eiichi for a while...

_207: Kidnapping:  
Code Three: Emergency response (lights and sirens):  
*sshft*_  
"Dispatch, this is Unit Twenty-Four, we have a 207-Posse, repeat, we have a 207-Posse."  
"Copy that, Twenty-Four. All available units, Code Three, repeat, Code Three, 207-Posse. Twenty-Four, is Posse-One in the 207?"  
"Roger, Dispatch. Posse-One, Posse-Two, and Posse-Four are in the 207."  
"Roger, Twenty-Four, fire department is on standby."

 

_487: Grand theft:_  
"Dispatch, this is Koban Seven-Five-Three, we have a Posse on scene."  
"Roger that, holiday--"  
" _Stop calling us that._ "  
"--parents have been notified."

 

_507: Public nuisance:  
Code Four: No further assistance needed:_  
"Dispatch, this is Unit Seven, 507-Posse-Alpha-One in progress."  
"Copy that, Seven. Sierra-Tango-One says to tell them to cease and desist or it's fish for dinner and straight to bed without dessert."  
"Roger that, Dispatch. Code Four."

 

_10-40: Hostage situation:  
Code Two: Expedite (use of lights and sirens dictated by jurisdiction):_  
"Dispatch, this is Unit Seventeen, 10-40 Romeo Posse at Ono Bank."  
"Copy that, Seventeen. Code Two. Sierra-Tango-All en route."  
"... _Fuck._ "  
"Copy that, Seventeen."

 

_419: Dead human body:_  
"Dispatch, Code Edogawa."


	10. Baba

Kaito had long since relented on the evil baby prison. It was a godsend when it came time to cook, clean, use the toilet, and breathe. He was already planning to deify it once Eiichi got too mobile and squirmy to safely bathe with. There was just one problem with evil baby prisons, though, Kaito realized when he returned to the room from a five-minute bathroom break.

They didn't keep adults out.

"Who the--" No, he recognized the people lounging on his couch. That was Kudou Yukiko bouncing Eiichi on her knee. "What the--" Well, it was obvious what had happened: the Kudous had waltzed into his house and snatched Eiichi right out of his playpen! Poker Face could go to hell. " _How did you get in here?_ "

"Hm?" Kudou Yuusaku glanced up, eyes bright and cheerful over his moustache. "The door was open."

" _It was not._ " Kaito checked that regularly. Personally. Ten minutes ago, in fact.

"Well, it wasn't at first, no..."

Something helpless and furious strangled itself in Kaito's throat, sounding remarkably similar to Nakamori-keibu as Kid sailed off into the night. It sounded utterly insane next to Yukiko's wide-eyed renditions of "Can we say 'baachan'? Baaaachan," and Eiichi's answering burbles.

Kaito suddenly had a lot of empathy for the Task Force. "And you couldn't just knock... why?"

Yukiko cooed one last time at Eiichi, then glanced up at Kaito. "We're delivering a little karma."

"... what."

Her smile would've made half the Task Force duck and cover. "Your father pulled this exact stunt on us about two weeks before you were born." She turned a beaming face to the baby. "Yes he did! Your silly old grandpa said he needed to get used to handling a newborn, so he broke right into our house and plucked our itty-bitty Shi-chan right out of his cradle!"

"Yukiko nearly tore him apart," Yuusaku added unnecessarily. Then he smirked. "But we figured you aren't post-partum--"

"Don't finish that, sweetheart."

"--so here we are. Pleasure to meet you."

"... Likewise," Kaito managed.


	11. Simple Question

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Only one truth" has its problems...

It was a quiet, rainy afternoon at the Kuroba house. On the ceiling, Kaito hummed the theme from Lupin III, tapping counterpoint inside the new safe's lock with his picks. In one corner of the overstuffed couch, Eiichi lay sprawled watching tv. For his part, Conan had a stack of library books and a research paper due in a week.

The hardest part, he thought wryly, jotting down a quick reference plus page number, was finding the time to actually write it. Between cases and handling Eiichi (he glanced at the boy, who looked entirely too pensive for watching Disney), he was probably going to be finishing this at some unpleasantly late hour next week.

The movie's closing song began to play, and Eiichi perked up a bit. But instead of going for the remote and opening up the channel guide -- as he'd done for the previous two movies -- Eiichi rolled over onto his stomach and peered up at Conan.

"Kouchan?"

"Hm?"

"Where do babies come from?"

Kaito fell off the ceiling.

Conan's brain came to a screeching halt. Not so much at the question, since they'd known that it was coming someday ( _just not today, why did it have to be today_ ), but from Kaito's fall. Kaito Did Not Fall. Ever.

He made it look like a controlled tumble and landed on his feet, but Conan wasn't fooled for a second. The manic grin didn't help.

"Well!" Kaito said cheerfully, one finger in the air like he was about to do a marvelous trick. "Most people go down to Ginza and get the kit."

... What.

Eiichi made a soft, incredulous sound. "I came from _Ginza?_ "

"Nope." The finger tapped Eiichi on the nose. " _You_ were on sale at Ito-Yakado." Ah. Now Conan recognized the reference. Kaito had better not finish it with the same insult. "Very well-priced and much more customizable."

Oh, if only. "Don't listen to him," Conan said. "That's a joke from an [American comic](http://www.gocomics.com/calvinandhobbes/1987/04/18)." He set his book aside and pretended not to notice Kaito's aw-you-spoiled-my-fun pout. Meeting Eiichi's eyes, he explained, "Babies come from women's tummies. When a man and a woman love each other very much, and have private bedroom time, sometimes a baby grows." _Please don't ask me to go into the mechanics of it._ "Although," to be fair, "a few babies happen with science. In that case the man and woman go to a clinic and have the doctor mix up the start of a baby in a test tube. Then the doctor puts the mixture into the woman and usually a baby grows from that."

There. Nice and simple and age-appropriate, no technical terms or high school science (or mystical gems) required.

Eiichi tilted his head. "Does she have to get a shot?"

"I'm told it's a little more complicated than that." It depended on the technique and exact fertility problems, but that would just get Eiichi more confused. "But it's much less painful."

"Ohhh." Eiichi considered that for a moment, then, "So I came from a lady?"

_Erk._

"Who was it?" he asked, bright and curious.

"... KAITO. YOUR TURN."

Kaito snickered and tugged Eiichi off the couch, much to Conan's relief. "All right, all right," he said, laughing, as he hauled Eiichi off towards the kitchen. "Now you were a very special little boy..."

Conan checked his watch and waited. Two minutes later...

"KOUCHAAAN! TOUCHAN'S FIBBING AGAIN!"


	12. Thematic

"Ahh, roller coasters." Kaito breathed deeply, inhaling the wonderful scents of sizzling grease, sugar, and summer. "My... er... third love." Wait, was that right? "Or fourth. Possibly first." He leaned over the picnic table seriously. "Am I counting by preference, chronology, or legality?"

Conan gave him a sour look. "Legality," he said firmly, as the ravening hordes -- er, adorable and so very well-behaved children -- descended upon the table like unholy legions of wait staff, trays piled high with drinks and treats. "If I see even one black coat," Conan added under the din, "we're leaving."

In one skilled move, Kaito waved that off and snagged a soda from somewhere under the chaos (though he barely missed getting whacked with Saya's elbow).

"I want cotton candy!" the girl declared, grabbing a cone of pink parent-bane and knocking over a bagful of steaming fried buns.

Koemi caught the bag and promptly ripped into it. "I want taiyaki!" Kaito choked and edged away from the tray and its now-revealed pile of fish-shaped cakes. The kids ignored him. "Which one's my Calpis soda?" Koemi added, peering into clear-lidded drinks.

Eiichi took one out from under her nose, popped the lid, and stirred it suspiciously with the straw, making the ice rattle in the bottom. "Touchan, there's diamonds in my drink again."

Great. Couldn't they go _anywhere?_

"Kuroba-san, why's this bag ticking?"

Apparently not. "Because it's evil, Chise-chan," Kaito answered. How much would Koizumi charge for an exorcism...? he wondered. His family's luck had long since left _ridiculous_ behind, and was now firmly in the land of _creepy, supernatural influence_. "You guys run over to the security office and tell them about it, okay?"

"But our food--!"

"Take it along. It's portable."

All four brightened. In a flurry of scrunching paper and thundering feet, they gathered their treats and raced off.

Kaito met Conan's resigned stare with one of his own. "This is all _your_ fault," they said in stereo.


	13. Phone Call

Kaito's cell rang one Tuesday while he was at work, kitting up for an evening in the vents of a high-rise biotech firm. He cursed softly, then bit down on the lapel of his one-piece coverall, holding it so it wouldn't fall as he dug for his phone. "Mofi mofi?"

"Good afternoon, Kuroba-kun," a familiar voice purred.

" _Agago-ime?!_ "

"Indeed. Would you mind calling your friend?" Akako asked. "That cute teen detective who picks up your little treasure at daycare. I'm babysitting for you tonight," Babysitting? What? Since when? "and it would be just terrible if I had to... _convince_ him of that." Kaito spit out the fabric and let the suit fall. "That's a lovely view, Kuroba-kun," came over the line.

Gah. "Akako-hime, I quite appreciate the offer," he lied all too easily, "and the compliment, for that matter, but we don't require a babysitter." Ever, if she was at the top of the list.

"Oh, but you do," Akako replied, almost pleasantly. "The police will delay you later -- pesky amateur thieves, as if _you'd_ ever set off an alarm -- and the young detective will get called in an emergency consult. Trust me," her voice went grave, "you don't want the little one seeing... or smelling... _that_." A pause, then she cheerfully added, "And then I can set up some protection spells on the baby!"

"Protection spells?" Kaito echoed in disbelief.

"Of course, Kuroba-kun. Any witch with a shred of power has those in her repertoire. They're the first thing you learn, whatever the tradition. So be sure to call and introduce me, and I'll just pick up some lemons for the young detective on my way over. The poor poppet's going to need them."

"Akako-hime..."

"See you tonight!" The line went dead.

Kaito stared at his phone for a long moment. Then he sighed and hit the speed dial. "Moshi moshi, Conan? It's Kaito. Look, if a redhead shows up on the doorstep with a bag of lemons claiming to be the babysitter, she's _not_ a suspect..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And then we must ask ourselves, if Eiichi's karma is this bad _with_ help, what the hell would he be attracting _without_?
> 
> CSI tips and tricks: washing with lemon juice gets rotting-corpse-stink off.


	14. Ever

Saguru knew he had a remarkable talent for spotting patterns and piecing together evidence. His career as a detective was far more than a simple vocation: as young as he'd begun, it was a key facet of his identity.

So when a particular toddler came racing proudly up to him less than five minutes after being set on the floor, violet twinkling in eyes and hands alike, he was merely gratified that his hypothesis had turned out to be correct.

"Shiny!" Eiichi proclaimed, attempting to brandish the missing ring in Saguru's face. Considering that the child couldn't quite reach Saguru's belt yet, he settled for waving it near Saguru's hip. "Lookit, jichan! Shiny!"

"I see," Saguru replied evenly. "Thank you, Ei-chan." He reached for the ring and missed when the boy abruptly dropped it down out of reach.

"No. Mine."

... Oh dear. And yet, "Somehow, I fail to be surprised," Saguru mused aloud. "Give me the amethyst, Ei-chan."

"NO. MINE."

With an apologetic sigh, and a commiserating glance shared with the ring's owner, Saguru scooped Eiichi up and began the arduous process of removing the gem from surprisingly strong little fingers.

Which was when the prospective thief attempted to compound his crimes and obtain the ring.

"So in retrospect," Saguru finished, several hours later, "I've decided that, trends notwithstanding, I won't be taking Egg-kun with me on business until he is considerably older."

Kaito stared at him in open, unwavering shock. His mouth opened then closed several times, as he visibly discarded several possible responses. He finally settled on, "You are the worst babysitter _ever_."

"I realize that."

" _Koizumi_ didn't get him taken to the police station."

"I'm aware of that as well."

"Did Eiichi even notice when you pinned the bastard?"

Well. Not exactly. "... He was more concerned that someone else had tried to take his ring."

"And you're sure you got the ring away from him, right?"

Now Kaito was just being insulting. Of course Saguru... had... er. Wait, this was Kaito's son after all. "Perhaps I should check again."


	15. Blue

Kaito stared down at his grinning son. Eiichi stared back, eyes bright and gleeful at having captured his father's attention. "... Conan?"

"Hm?" came from behind the newspaper.

"There wouldn't happen to be a fake Kid notice in the paper, would there?"

"Jiroki invitation," Conan replied, the tinest hint of amusement in his voice. "Why do you ask?"

"Because I'd thought the Nakamoris had stopped using that kind of language."

At Kaito's feet, Eiichi banged a couple toys together and happily chanted one of the more distinctive curses.


	16. Exhibit

"Yes, Miwako-san," Conan said tiredly as he entered the house, toeing off his shoes while the phone buzzed in his ear. He'd mostly stopped listening by now. Something about travel and little Chise-chan and two weeks from now. "Mm hm." More buzzing as he headed for the kitchen. "I'll be sure to pass that along." 

Kaito was sitting at the kitchen table with a pile of half-opened mail, reading the school newsletter, but he glanced up and waved a quick little 'hi'. Conan inclined his head in return, tipping the phone's mouthpiece under his chin so he could point at it and mouth 'what the hell is she talking about?' In response, Kaito dug through the open papers, fished out a short letter, and handed it to Conan.

Ah. "I'll get back to you soon, Miwako-san. Say hi to Wataru-san for me. Bye." Hanging up with a tiny beep, Conan took the letter, glancing down at it on automatic. _Parent-sama, As the leaves fall from the trees_ etc. etc. "You're sure this why I just spent the last fifteen minutes assuring Miwako..." _arranged for the second grade to visit the Tokyo National Museum_ "...san... oh no."

"Oh yes."

Any museum would've been bad enough as it was. However, "Aren't they hosting that tour, Japanese Lapidary Through The Ages, right now?"

"Yup."

"The one with all those National Treasures?"

Kaito looked smug as a cat.

"Fuck me."

"Not now, dear," Kaito replied cheerfully. Conan sputtered. "This I've _got_ to see," Kaito added, as he turned to rummage through the opened mail again. "You want a chaperone volunteer form too?"

Kaito _and_ Eiichi at the National Museum. Kaito and Eiichi _and_ Eiichi's friends, with a special exhibit on jewelry and other small, valuable artifacts.

Conan sighed and held out a hand. "Why not." He'd end up at the museum one way or the other anyway.


	17. Missing

Inspector Chiba Saburo had just stamped a case complete and closed the file when his door slammed open. "Sir!" Officer Miyamura caught himself on the doorframe, breathing hard as he sketched an otherwise-textbook salute. "The Posse's missing!"

Saburo went cold. "The entire posse?" At the man's nod, he shot to his feet. "What's the biggest case we're working that isn't homicide?" he asked sharply. "And who's working it?"

"The Treasure Ship Bandits, sir!" Miyamura replied promptly. Good man. "Yoshida."

"Goddammit!" Saburo smacked the man over the head with the file before he could stop himself. "I said _without_ homicides!"

"No one's died yet, sir!"

Thank the gods for small miracles. Except not yet, because Saburo could still remember Yoshida when she'd been little Ayumi-chan, and her luck hadn't gotten any better with age. He scooped up his phone and gun from the drawer, holstering the latter and hitting speed-dial on the former as he stormed into the bullpen.

"Hikami! On the line with Division Two, try for Hakuba or Nakamori Aoko. Kei, find the Takagis and sit on them." Not that the rest of them weren't emotionally compromised here. Still, the things a good lawyer could get tossed out of court... _someone_ had to keep Wataru and Miwako in line. "Yoshida! Everything you've got on the Treasure Ship Bandits." On the other end of the phone, someone picked up. "Moshi moshi, Conan-san. It's Chiba. You and Kuroba-san had best come in now...."

" _Ah, Chiba-san, we can't do that right now..._ "

Oh no. "Please tell me you aren't where I think you are."

" _Um._ " Something crunched on the other end of the line, sounding like gravel. A faint, high-pitched yelp echoed faintly. " _Caves. Why is it always caves? We're in Minakami, Gunma... hold on, let me check my GPS._ " Several beeps came over the line. " _Tell the Takagis that Chise-chan's okay so far. Kaito-- goddammit. Kaito, we've got to find a way to turn around, we're under Tanigawa-dake._ " Vehement hissing in the background. " _Don't say that in front of the kids. Chiba-san, we're going to need helicopters if we come out on this mountain, it's too risky for the kids--_ "

"Hold on." Saburo muffled the mouthpiece. "Tanigawa-dake."

Hikami went white. "Illegal to climb without a permit, sir!" he said. "Highest death rate in the world."

It figured. It just figured. Saburo turned back to the phone. "Tell me the idiot Treasure Ship Bandits haven't been storing their stolen goods under the most dangerous mountain in the world."

" _Oh, no sir. The drug ring they're covering for, on the other hand..._ "

Goddammit, Yoshida, Edogawa, every last one of 'em. When they got back to Tokyo, Saburo was going to suggest an exorcism. Seriously. "Okay. Just hold on, Conan-san. Try not to..." No, he was not going to jinx this. "Just hold on. Find someplace to... oh, you know all this. We'll be there in--" Yoshida circled her finger around her wristwatch once, and half again. "--ninety minutes. _Let's move, people!_ "


	18. Jirokichi's 85th

Saya: Jirokichi-jiisan would like to invite us all to his 85th birthday Kid heist.  
Eiichi: ... what.  
 _(Kaito, eight years ago: *PUPPY EYES*_  
Conan, a week later: Arrgh! All right already! Just don't expect me to stay home and watch Ei-chan.)  
Koemi: Really?!  
Saya: Uh huh. He thinks if we're there that Kid's sure to get caught this time!  
Chise: ... Isn't Kid a friendly criminal?  
Eiichi: *deadpan* Yeah. He's really fun.  
Koemi: But we still wanna catch him!

 

Eiichi: Kouchaaaaaan! I need your old watch!  
Conan: You know he'll recognize it.  
Eiichi: It's not for him. I'm gonna dart myself if I have to spend the entire heist watching you two flirt. It's gross.  
Conan: Then no, you can't have the dart watch. Not unless you promise to only aim it at your Tousan or people trying to attack you.  
Eiichi: Awwww.

 

Saya: -- so can they stay over after the Kid heist? Pleeeeeease Kaachan?  
Sonoko's sister: *exchanges a look with the Takagis* ... Well... all of them? Including him?  
Saya: Yeah? *not seeing the problem with a co-ed slumber party* His parents get all weird after Kid heists.  
Takagi: *really, really doesn't want to know, but... damn police training, damn damn damn* Weird?  
Chise: Uh huh. He says they're all giggly and bouncy and put him to bed early. Which is no fun!  
Takagi: *facepalm* I really didn't need to know that about Conan-san, sweetheart.  
Chise: Huh?


	19. Osaka Invite

"Moshi moshi?"

"Yo, Kudou!"

"Hi Heiji. What's up?"

"Ah, well, I was wondering. Been awhile since I seen you guys. And the kid loves Osaka..."

"With as much candy as you stuff him with every time we visit, of course he does."

"... and it's really nice this time of year, and I've got a long weekend coming up..."

"And you also have a string of burglaries targeting mostly jewelry. I do keep up with the news, Heiji."

"Ahaha, well."

"Ei-chan is not a jewelry magnet."

"Actually--"

"And he's not bait."

"Kudou, seriously, what kinda guy do ya think I am?"

"If he gets so much as knocked over by the thieves I will take it out of your hide."

"Thanks, Kudou! See ya on--"

*SLAM* "KOUCHAAAAAAAAAAN! THERE WAS A BIG CAR CRASH AND LOOKIT WHAT ALMOST HIT ME!"

"... Heiji? Looks like you're coming to Tokyo instead."


End file.
